A Journey to My Authentic Self: Past Life Soul Retrievals, Kundalini Awakening & More.
I’m deep into my healing journey and so far I’ve had: a Kundalini awakening (still in the throes of this), five past life soul retrievals (I was a witch, over and over again), a shamanic journey to meet my authentic self (she’s super freaking cool and really, really wise), and a cord cutting with three people, one of which is cut for good, and the other two I imbued with the qualities necessary to heal and thrive (like care and love and lightness and grace), and a cord cutting with the Lyme (super fucking intense – like a scene snatched from a horror movie).
After giving birth to S, my body was at ground zero, less than zero, according to my physical therapist (which I didn’t have yet, but soon would). My thumbs were dislocating, to the point in which I could barely hold my breast to feed her without a thumb going out. My pubic bone apart, pelvis twisted. I lived in Velcro. Held together. Which I’m grateful for. Really, I am. Thank you, hand braces, pelvic brace, thank you. Then when she was a little over three months old, random, debilitating symptoms popped up. Pain in my fingernails so overwhelming I debated chopping them off. (I did, I really did – I thought I was dying.) A million specialists later…I discover I have HEDS – Hypermobile Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome, which is why my body came apart during pregnancy, so into physical therapy I went.
But what about the fingernail pain? What about the symptoms I’d had before pregnancy? All day motion sickness, as though I were on a boat and not land, sudden anxiety, body pain, gastrointestinal issues, in which my stomach would blow up like a balloon, as though I were pregnant, and my husband would burp me like a baby.
I carted my infant from specialist to specialist, test to test, until we discovered: Lyme Disease.
That goddamn tick I’d found on me years before after hiking the previous day in the Redwoods. The one in which my intuition screamed – Go to the doctor! But I’d ignored it because there was no bull’s-eye rash. Because we had family visiting and I didn’t want to “put them out”, putting others before myself, as I’d done for years and years prior.
(One of the many lessons I would learn from Lyme, that it was time to take care of me, cherish me, love and nurture me, instead of giving all of my pieces away to others, some who wouldn’t even value those pieces, but gobble them up and demand more.)
I began to see a massage therapist. She worked on my body, on kneading out the aches, the stagnant energy, the remains of the Lyme as it died away on treatment, but also the bacteria that still thrived, fighting back. (It’s still fighting, and I’m still fighting; I will win.)
My massage therapist, Jessica Joy, also does energy work, intuitive work, and my body suddenly responded in kind, soaking up this alternative path to healing. My body took over on her table, writhing like a snake, neck working out the knots itself, head thrashing from side to side, body raised high as though I were being exorcised.
A Kundalini Awakening.
It took a few visits with Jessica before she confirmed that this was what was happening to me. My body, on the brink of death and devastation, was now purging itself of that which no longer serves it – fire burning, burning – past life pains bubbling up, a struggle for control over the Lyme, the Kundalini taking over so that I could travel down this path of healing on my way to spiritual enlightenment, to holding my authentic self’s hand and owning my feminine power.
(I’m still on this journey. It isn’t quick. It isn’t easy. And there is so much to learn.)
Soon past lives would rush forward, as I wept on her table over things that felt like a dream but my soul knew otherwise, knew that they were real, their pains embedded in the threads of my soul, their pains speaking to the pains I’ve experienced in my current life, the patterns that need breaking, the cycles that need to end, the reason I have attracted certain toxic people into my life, the relationships that play over and over again.
This journey has been painful. But it has also been enlightening. And exciting. To learn so much of my soul. My body. That I thank the Lyme. There are gifts in every shit situation.
I’m going to go deeper into these journeys throughout my next few posts and attempt to convey them to you, my readers, my friends. I’ve been quiet about this part of my journey because I’ve feared judgment. But if I fear judgment and hide myself away (a pattern, rooted deep in the past; a pattern that is stifling, that is patriarchal in nature), then I’m not embracing myself, and loving myself, and owning who I truly am – my authentic self, in all her intuitive, witchy glory.
And it’s time – yes, it’s time – that I did.